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Anyone not caring can skip this. OTL I don't mean to spam the comm.
The Northeast
New York: "The New York City State" From the Empire State Building in New York City, to the Statue of Liberty in New York City, to Times Square in New York City, the state of New York is filled with exciting attractions no matter where you look.
New Jersey: "Demanding people shove it up their asses since 1832" Located in you know where the fuck we are, and bordered by a bunch of places that can suck it—especially you, Pennsylvania—New Jersey is one of the nation's oldest and most historic states. So fuck you.
Pennsylvania: "Amish-ish country" Pennsylvania is home to the world's largest Amish population, a group of people whose austere lifestyle is slowly changing to adapt to the 21st century. Today, the Amish shun electriciy, except at night when it's dark, reject modern conveniences save for microwaves, refrigerators, and washing machines, and travel by horse and buggy unless it'd just be easier to take the car.
Massachusetts: "Covered in Ivy" Home to hundreds of prestigious colleges and universities, Massachusetts is where the nation's best and brightest can't afford to go.
Vermont: "Clean air, filthy people" The environmentally friendly hippies of Vermont lead the world in water conservation, as well as soap conservation, shampoo conservation, and Q-tip conservation.
New Hampshire: "A Place for pricks to come look at leaves" With four full seasons of autumn and an endless array of colors ranging from orange to off-orange, New Hampshire attracts thousands of annual visitors who come to photograph the changing leaves, videotape the newly-fallen leaves, and buy leaf-shaped souvenirs from the last state in the Union with any trees.
Connecticut "Home of New York's other population" For over 300 years, Connecticut has upheld a proud tradition of being next to New York.
Rhode Island "Roughly the size of one Rhode Island" Rhode Island, the basic unit of geographic measurement, exists solely for the purpose of describing how big other landmasses are.
Maine "L.L. Bean's living catalog" Whether logging the Great North Woods in a signature Allagash Northweave™ flannel shirt, or taking in the cool night air under a micro-light Woodlands Dome tent, the people of Maine can be found on pages 12-187 of the quarterly L.L. Bean catalog.
Maryland "On both wrong sides of the track" Although it may not seem like much at first, or even when you look at it for a second or third time, Maryland is actually a vibrant and beautiful state if one squints hard enough.
The South
Florida "The Silent Holocaust" Though on the surface Florida appears to be a tropical paradise, inside this state lurks a dark, gruesome secret: Each year, thousands of Jews are sent here to die.
{Note: *cough*old people*cough*}
Alabama "The Last Remaining Slave State" After more than a century as a free state, Alabama quietly re-legalized slavery in 1987, thouhg the rest of the U.S. has failed to notice any difference.
{Note: They're B.S.ing.}
Mississippi "Learning to Sink" With most of its public schools built directly on swamps, marshes, or bayous, the waterlogged state of Mississippi is struggling to keep its young people afloat.
Georgia "No, not That Georgia" When most people hear "Georgia", they immediately think "Western Caucaus Mountains", "Gremi Castle", and "President Mikhail Saakashvili." However, Georgia is not just the former Soviet republic that everyone knows about—it is also in fact a small U.S. state.
Louisiana "America's Low-water Mark" Louisiana was hit by Hurricane Katrina on Aug. 29, 2005, leaving hundreds of FEMA officials panicked, desperate for help, and not knowing where to turn.
Virginia "Virginia is for Racists" The birthplace of southern hospitality and the plantation system, Virginia treats every person of color to its own down-home brand of charming discrimination.
North Carolina "May Cause Cancer" Home to Big Tobacco, North Carolina is one of the leading figures in the fight for cancer.
Tennessee "Like Hee Haw, but a state" Tennessee is the birthplace of country music, and the deathplace of all other music.
W. Virginia "Country roads, take me anywhere else" Known for its coal-mining industry, West Virginia is made up of just over 1.8 million people, with 50% living in cities, 35% living in rural areas, and the rest trapped in a mine somewhere.
South Carolina "The one with the Racist Flag" While symbolic of an era of hate and prejudice, South Carolina citizens continue to fly the state's Confederate flag, as many claim, "It just looks pretty".
Arkansas "Where second cousins are first wives" The state of Arkansas is built on strong family values, with parents teaching their children at an early age about hard work, the importance of sharing, and how much tongue is too much tongue.
Kentucky "Soaked in bourbon" Kentucky was founded at 4:30 a.m. on June 1, 1792, when a band of drunken pioneers scrawled the state's constitution on the back of a cocktail napkin, slurred allegiance to the United States, and promptly pissed themselves.
The Midwest
Illinois "Sprawl of America" Since nothing is within walking distance in the entire state, residents of Illinois spend most of their lives in their cars, trying to navigate the endless stream of identical concrete landmarks to find their way home in time to hop in the car for the morning commute.
Kansas "In God we Blindly Trust" Taking a bold stand against the dangers of modern existence, and eager to protect its traditional Old Testament values, the Kansas legislature has officially banned all forms of reality.
Michigan "Closed for business" Once the thriving center of America's automobile industry, Michigan hasn't made a single business transaction since 1993.
Ohio "America's state" The blond-haired, blue-eyed, baseball cap-wearing patriots of Ohio live in America's most all-American state.
Missouri "By Mark Twain" Dotted with half-painted picket fences and bordered by the mighty Mississippi, Missouri is where trouble-making youngsters ride rafts to school with their state-mandated Negro pals.
Wisconsin "Clogged Artery of the Heartland" Once the fattest people in the country, Wisconsonites have slimmed down dramatically in recent years by adhering to a strict diet of just one basket of cheese curds at every meal, and no more than 18 servings of Miller Lite a day.
Iowa "All Farmed Out" As the Heartland's most vast cornfields are taken over by massive, corporate agribusinesses, the farmers of Iowa still live a simple life, waking up at the crack of dawn each morning to fill out complicated bankruptcy papers and fuel up their tractors for the liquidation sale, while the little lady cuts up credit cards in the kitchen.
North Dakota "Empty" Founded in 1889 by two men who figured that it might be useful for something someday, North Dakota was the first uninhabited state to be admitted to the Union.
{Note: Accompanying picture: "This thing holds farm stuff."}
Nebraska "America's Roadblock" Running 210 miles north to south, and over 17,000 mines east to west, Nebraska was constructed in 1846 as a mind-numbing, 16-hour-long barrier to prevent American travelers from getting anyplace else.
Indiana "Spectator State" Hooting and hollering in over-capacity crowds, Indianans cherish the art of watching stuff, be it the Indianapolis 500, a basketball game, or even themselves looking like a complete idiot on the JumboTron.
South Dakota "Mandatory Vacationland" Every summer, thousands of families are forced to load up their minivans and travel to South Dakota to enjoy its compulsory splendor and obligatory beauty.
The West
Texas "Everything Sucks Bigger in Texas" Home to mega-factories that contribute to the highest levels of air and water pollution of any state in the Union, a cavernous income gap that leaves visitors awestruck, and an abstinence-based sex education system that has all but ensured it will soon have the highest birth rate in the country, Texas knows that anything worth doing is worth doing big.
Arizona "Home of the Grand Hole" This otherwise featureless state of expansive desert and suburban sprawl boasts the world's most awe-inspiring hole. The Grand Hole is visited by tourists from all over the world, who drive up to the rim of the hole, look down into it, and then express just how big it is. Many stand speechless before the hole.
Wyoming "Wranglin' them some gays" Although Wyoming is still known as the "Cowboy State", law and order isn't what it used to be in the Wild West. Instead of tracking down bandits, today's cowboys fight for a new brand of "moral outlaw"—men who think they can go around sticking their penises in another consenting man's business and not suffer the consequences.
Idaho "Home of the Famous Idaho Iron Ore" When it's suppertime and Americans sit down to enjoy a hearty meal, all look to the state of Idaho for one key ingredient: the steel girders and metal studs that help to hold together their dining room table and chairs.
{Note: ...and not a potato in sight.}
Colorado "High" Perched atop the Rocky Mountains at and average elevation of over a mile, Colorado leads the nation in cases of altitude sickness, a pathological condition caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain.
Nevada "Where Everyone's a Loser" Losers from all over the U.S. come to Nevada's Las Vegas Strip to lose, and lose big.
Montana "A National Wildman Refuge" Set aside by the U.S. government in 1889, America's protected militialands are the traditional breeding grounds of the nation's last remaining manifesto-drafting psychos, armed libertarians, and solitary mountain men.
New Mexico "Unexplained" Though a retired police captain claimed to have seen New Mexico one night in 1947, researchers and government officials maintain to this day that the state was merely a weather balloon.
Utah "Utah's Family welcomes you" The family of Mark Whitmer welcomes visitors to enjoy the scenic splendor of Utah.
Oklahoma "A Tumbleweed Passed through once" In 1912, a tumbleweed lazily blew across the dusty prairies of Oklahoma on a soft summer breeze, and event long remembered as the only thing to ever happen in the state.
The Pacific Coast
Washington "So over this whole "Statehood" thing" With their cultural center in Seattle, and everything else centering around themselves, the disinterested people of Washington have been too cool to have any nationwide relevance since musician Kurt Cobain left the state for good in 1994.
Oregon "Hardly Making a Difference" Founded as a fur-trading outpost, the overly liberal state of Oregon is today the nation's leading producer of red-paint-splattered pelts and coats.
California "At Least it's Sunny" The site of such get-poor-quick schemes as the Gold Rush, the Dot-Com Boom, and Hollywood, California has been visited for centuries by Americans hoping to fulfill their pipe dreams.
The Bullshit States
Alaska "Needlessly Unspoiled" Alaska is the country's last frontier of untouched disposable consumer goods, with vast forests of potential napkin products stretching as far as the eye can see, and mountains of two-liter E-Z Chug bottles waiting to be processed.
Hawaii "Spectacular Balcony View" From their high-rise hotel rooms in Waikiki, Hawaii's tourists are dazzled by the white-sand beaches 40 stories below, as well as the tasteful watercolors hanging above their beds.
Minnesota "Land of 10,000 Retards" The pop-drinking, Hormel-eating, dontcha-know dumbfucks of Minnesota are too stupid to have any idea why they are the laughing stock of the entire country.
{Note: I do not express these views. ^^}
*dies again*
The Northeast
New York: "The New York City State" From the Empire State Building in New York City, to the Statue of Liberty in New York City, to Times Square in New York City, the state of New York is filled with exciting attractions no matter where you look.
New Jersey: "Demanding people shove it up their asses since 1832" Located in you know where the fuck we are, and bordered by a bunch of places that can suck it—especially you, Pennsylvania—New Jersey is one of the nation's oldest and most historic states. So fuck you.
Pennsylvania: "Amish-ish country" Pennsylvania is home to the world's largest Amish population, a group of people whose austere lifestyle is slowly changing to adapt to the 21st century. Today, the Amish shun electriciy, except at night when it's dark, reject modern conveniences save for microwaves, refrigerators, and washing machines, and travel by horse and buggy unless it'd just be easier to take the car.
Massachusetts: "Covered in Ivy" Home to hundreds of prestigious colleges and universities, Massachusetts is where the nation's best and brightest can't afford to go.
Vermont: "Clean air, filthy people" The environmentally friendly hippies of Vermont lead the world in water conservation, as well as soap conservation, shampoo conservation, and Q-tip conservation.
New Hampshire: "A Place for pricks to come look at leaves" With four full seasons of autumn and an endless array of colors ranging from orange to off-orange, New Hampshire attracts thousands of annual visitors who come to photograph the changing leaves, videotape the newly-fallen leaves, and buy leaf-shaped souvenirs from the last state in the Union with any trees.
Connecticut "Home of New York's other population" For over 300 years, Connecticut has upheld a proud tradition of being next to New York.
Rhode Island "Roughly the size of one Rhode Island" Rhode Island, the basic unit of geographic measurement, exists solely for the purpose of describing how big other landmasses are.
Maine "L.L. Bean's living catalog" Whether logging the Great North Woods in a signature Allagash Northweave™ flannel shirt, or taking in the cool night air under a micro-light Woodlands Dome tent, the people of Maine can be found on pages 12-187 of the quarterly L.L. Bean catalog.
Maryland "On both wrong sides of the track" Although it may not seem like much at first, or even when you look at it for a second or third time, Maryland is actually a vibrant and beautiful state if one squints hard enough.
The South
Florida "The Silent Holocaust" Though on the surface Florida appears to be a tropical paradise, inside this state lurks a dark, gruesome secret: Each year, thousands of Jews are sent here to die.
{Note: *cough*old people*cough*}
Alabama "The Last Remaining Slave State" After more than a century as a free state, Alabama quietly re-legalized slavery in 1987, thouhg the rest of the U.S. has failed to notice any difference.
{Note: They're B.S.ing.}
Mississippi "Learning to Sink" With most of its public schools built directly on swamps, marshes, or bayous, the waterlogged state of Mississippi is struggling to keep its young people afloat.
Georgia "No, not That Georgia" When most people hear "Georgia", they immediately think "Western Caucaus Mountains", "Gremi Castle", and "President Mikhail Saakashvili." However, Georgia is not just the former Soviet republic that everyone knows about—it is also in fact a small U.S. state.
Louisiana "America's Low-water Mark" Louisiana was hit by Hurricane Katrina on Aug. 29, 2005, leaving hundreds of FEMA officials panicked, desperate for help, and not knowing where to turn.
Virginia "Virginia is for Racists" The birthplace of southern hospitality and the plantation system, Virginia treats every person of color to its own down-home brand of charming discrimination.
North Carolina "May Cause Cancer" Home to Big Tobacco, North Carolina is one of the leading figures in the fight for cancer.
Tennessee "Like Hee Haw, but a state" Tennessee is the birthplace of country music, and the deathplace of all other music.
W. Virginia "Country roads, take me anywhere else" Known for its coal-mining industry, West Virginia is made up of just over 1.8 million people, with 50% living in cities, 35% living in rural areas, and the rest trapped in a mine somewhere.
South Carolina "The one with the Racist Flag" While symbolic of an era of hate and prejudice, South Carolina citizens continue to fly the state's Confederate flag, as many claim, "It just looks pretty".
Arkansas "Where second cousins are first wives" The state of Arkansas is built on strong family values, with parents teaching their children at an early age about hard work, the importance of sharing, and how much tongue is too much tongue.
Kentucky "Soaked in bourbon" Kentucky was founded at 4:30 a.m. on June 1, 1792, when a band of drunken pioneers scrawled the state's constitution on the back of a cocktail napkin, slurred allegiance to the United States, and promptly pissed themselves.
The Midwest
Illinois "Sprawl of America" Since nothing is within walking distance in the entire state, residents of Illinois spend most of their lives in their cars, trying to navigate the endless stream of identical concrete landmarks to find their way home in time to hop in the car for the morning commute.
Kansas "In God we Blindly Trust" Taking a bold stand against the dangers of modern existence, and eager to protect its traditional Old Testament values, the Kansas legislature has officially banned all forms of reality.
Michigan "Closed for business" Once the thriving center of America's automobile industry, Michigan hasn't made a single business transaction since 1993.
Ohio "America's state" The blond-haired, blue-eyed, baseball cap-wearing patriots of Ohio live in America's most all-American state.
Missouri "By Mark Twain" Dotted with half-painted picket fences and bordered by the mighty Mississippi, Missouri is where trouble-making youngsters ride rafts to school with their state-mandated Negro pals.
Wisconsin "Clogged Artery of the Heartland" Once the fattest people in the country, Wisconsonites have slimmed down dramatically in recent years by adhering to a strict diet of just one basket of cheese curds at every meal, and no more than 18 servings of Miller Lite a day.
Iowa "All Farmed Out" As the Heartland's most vast cornfields are taken over by massive, corporate agribusinesses, the farmers of Iowa still live a simple life, waking up at the crack of dawn each morning to fill out complicated bankruptcy papers and fuel up their tractors for the liquidation sale, while the little lady cuts up credit cards in the kitchen.
North Dakota "Empty" Founded in 1889 by two men who figured that it might be useful for something someday, North Dakota was the first uninhabited state to be admitted to the Union.
{Note: Accompanying picture: "This thing holds farm stuff."}
Nebraska "America's Roadblock" Running 210 miles north to south, and over 17,000 mines east to west, Nebraska was constructed in 1846 as a mind-numbing, 16-hour-long barrier to prevent American travelers from getting anyplace else.
Indiana "Spectator State" Hooting and hollering in over-capacity crowds, Indianans cherish the art of watching stuff, be it the Indianapolis 500, a basketball game, or even themselves looking like a complete idiot on the JumboTron.
South Dakota "Mandatory Vacationland" Every summer, thousands of families are forced to load up their minivans and travel to South Dakota to enjoy its compulsory splendor and obligatory beauty.
The West
Texas "Everything Sucks Bigger in Texas" Home to mega-factories that contribute to the highest levels of air and water pollution of any state in the Union, a cavernous income gap that leaves visitors awestruck, and an abstinence-based sex education system that has all but ensured it will soon have the highest birth rate in the country, Texas knows that anything worth doing is worth doing big.
Arizona "Home of the Grand Hole" This otherwise featureless state of expansive desert and suburban sprawl boasts the world's most awe-inspiring hole. The Grand Hole is visited by tourists from all over the world, who drive up to the rim of the hole, look down into it, and then express just how big it is. Many stand speechless before the hole.
Wyoming "Wranglin' them some gays" Although Wyoming is still known as the "Cowboy State", law and order isn't what it used to be in the Wild West. Instead of tracking down bandits, today's cowboys fight for a new brand of "moral outlaw"—men who think they can go around sticking their penises in another consenting man's business and not suffer the consequences.
Idaho "Home of the Famous Idaho Iron Ore" When it's suppertime and Americans sit down to enjoy a hearty meal, all look to the state of Idaho for one key ingredient: the steel girders and metal studs that help to hold together their dining room table and chairs.
{Note: ...and not a potato in sight.}
Colorado "High" Perched atop the Rocky Mountains at and average elevation of over a mile, Colorado leads the nation in cases of altitude sickness, a pathological condition caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain.
Nevada "Where Everyone's a Loser" Losers from all over the U.S. come to Nevada's Las Vegas Strip to lose, and lose big.
Montana "A National Wildman Refuge" Set aside by the U.S. government in 1889, America's protected militialands are the traditional breeding grounds of the nation's last remaining manifesto-drafting psychos, armed libertarians, and solitary mountain men.
New Mexico "Unexplained" Though a retired police captain claimed to have seen New Mexico one night in 1947, researchers and government officials maintain to this day that the state was merely a weather balloon.
Utah "Utah's Family welcomes you" The family of Mark Whitmer welcomes visitors to enjoy the scenic splendor of Utah.
Oklahoma "A Tumbleweed Passed through once" In 1912, a tumbleweed lazily blew across the dusty prairies of Oklahoma on a soft summer breeze, and event long remembered as the only thing to ever happen in the state.
The Pacific Coast
Washington "So over this whole "Statehood" thing" With their cultural center in Seattle, and everything else centering around themselves, the disinterested people of Washington have been too cool to have any nationwide relevance since musician Kurt Cobain left the state for good in 1994.
Oregon "Hardly Making a Difference" Founded as a fur-trading outpost, the overly liberal state of Oregon is today the nation's leading producer of red-paint-splattered pelts and coats.
California "At Least it's Sunny" The site of such get-poor-quick schemes as the Gold Rush, the Dot-Com Boom, and Hollywood, California has been visited for centuries by Americans hoping to fulfill their pipe dreams.
The Bullshit States
Alaska "Needlessly Unspoiled" Alaska is the country's last frontier of untouched disposable consumer goods, with vast forests of potential napkin products stretching as far as the eye can see, and mountains of two-liter E-Z Chug bottles waiting to be processed.
Hawaii "Spectacular Balcony View" From their high-rise hotel rooms in Waikiki, Hawaii's tourists are dazzled by the white-sand beaches 40 stories below, as well as the tasteful watercolors hanging above their beds.
Minnesota "Land of 10,000 Retards" The pop-drinking, Hormel-eating, dontcha-know dumbfucks of Minnesota are too stupid to have any idea why they are the laughing stock of the entire country.
{Note: I do not express these views. ^^}
*dies again*
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